I am back home visiting my family in John's Creek, GA.
It's been about two years since I've been here. The last time visiting John's Creek was when I was about 3 months pregnant with my daughter, Alyvia. Now post-birth with an 18-month old toddler and my hubby, we are back in the deep south.
Back to my parents and my brother.
My previous visits back home has always made me be in a fight-or-flight mode. I braced myself, usually trying to control situations, trying to change my brother's habits, arguing with my dad about how controlling he was, or crying to my mom telling her how I couldn't understand why my brother and my dad weren't changing their ways because it made me feel bad. I was blaming and trying to control others but I was never looking at myself.
It was like that all my life. In the past, I felt entitled, blamed others for my current situation or for making me feel bad. But of course, the Universe has a way of teaching us and a massive awakening occurred when I went through a divorce from my first husband. And then another HUGE awakening happened several years later when my baby was born. I went through postpartum depression and that brought up a TON of dark shadows that I was not aware of. PPD and having a new baby brought up a shit ton of unwanted feelings that I did not understand. In hindsight, I knew this was all about repressed childhood memories needing to be released from my body.
I went through a deep healing journey even though I was super resistant to it in the beginning. I absolutely did not want to look within. Why in the heck should I look within? My ego was saying "I am the one who is the healer. I'm the one to change others and to help others." But the more I resisted to heal myself, the darker things got. The more I blamed others for my situations in life, the more horrible I felt. It felt like the devil was inside of me and I was in eternal hell...not kidding.
Finally, it was my husband who convinced me to please, please, PLEASE see a therapist for yourself and our family. Yes, I owed it to myself, my body, my soul to really do some inner work. My first few psychotherapy sessions were so extremely painful. This angel in disguise helped me uncover deep memories that I totally shut out of my reality. I felt like shit after my sessions. But I kept going and going and releasing and releasing. He taught me techniques on how to feel into my body and to allow my body to tell me what I needed to know. The body was very good at storing unrealized emotions and it was difficult to heal when these feelings weren't felt and released. This was the most important thing I learned from these therapy sessions.
This teaching of feeling into my body was also something I learned from a book I was reading around the same time I went to therapy. The book, The Seat of the Soul by Gary Zukav, was a huge revelation for me on my healing journey. These lessons of feeling into my body allowed me to love myself deeply for the first time, feeling more empowered and autonomous, creating healthier boundaries with others and having more awareness with myself and my surroundings. I was meditating more and after numbing myself for 22 years with marijuana, I finally was able to let it go. All these deep healings and inner work allowed me to be more mindful, be more present and have alternative ways to deal with stress and anxiety.
So now, this current trip to John's Creek was definitely different than previous visits. Yes, there were still many things that my family did that drove me NUTS. But this time, I wasn't as triggered as I normally would have been. I felt more relaxed and in the present moment while enjoying my relationships with my family members. Whenever my family triggered me, I slowed wayyyy down, took deep breaths and asked myself what was the root cause of this trigger. I felt into my body and meditated while allowing the story to unfold naturally. When I saw the repressed memory rising and found the little girl crying within, the present self Angela scooped little Angela up into my arms and said "I love you, Angela. I love you and you are safe. You are seen. Let me take you away from this situation and go somewhere safe." I would keep hugging her, kissing her and loving her until the child within felt absolutely safe and loved. Tears would be streaming down my face and that's when I knew that the healing was occurring. Then I would forgive all the people in old story, thank the Universe for showing me this story, and please allow me to now release it because it is not serving me anymore.
Unraveling repressed childhood memories has definitely been a huge healing journey for me but each time I discover yet another memory, the more freedom I feel within my body. With each release of my past, the more I love my present moment and look forward to living this beautiful life every day.
For those of you in pain, I feel you completely. I wish freedom from you. Freedom from the pain, the past hurts and the present prison you have built for yourself. But it is so possible for you to feel better, without numbing yourself with substances, foods, wanting to people please or be totally codependent. It first starts with being aware of the repressed memories that need to be realized and felt. It starts by connecting with your Inner Child and finding that little girl or boy from the past that was unheard, unseen, unloved and unsafe. It is your duty to find him or her so you may tell your Inner Child you see them. And you completely love them. Love them, love them, love them.
Do the inner work. It is so worth it.